Zealot J

开始向煮男方向发展，真可怕！

在28日英国Bexleyheath 发生一起恶作剧事件。几个年轻人将从附近农场投来的绵羊放进了超市购物车，然后悄悄的放进了当地某超市。超市工作说：当时我就震惊了，还奇怪怎么绵羊会自己乘着购物车跑来超市。

同时英国防止虐待动物协会的人也对此表示可抗议，他们说：这种愚蠢且不负责任的行为会吓坏这只可怜的羊，让它面对巨大的压力，从而可能导致该羊对以后的生活失去信心。

第一次伴郎是去年，迷迷糊糊的走了过场，当时在福建，那里伴郎的主要含义是挡酒，那可是真真切切的白酒，一点来不得含糊，谁喝无所谓，必须消费掉～他们福建人太坏了，一桌两杯东西，一倍估计是大半杯白酒+其他不明液体，而另外一杯颜色特别渗人的就直接是成分不明液体了，我是看在那红包的份上心一狠眼一闭，就喝下去了。记得那次四桌之后，我撤退了，第二伴郎顶上，后来第二伴郎不行了，其他兄弟顶上，兄弟不行了，新郎的战友顶上，战友不行了，也差不多结束了。所以我后来回想起来觉得赚了一个红包，反正不拿也得喝。所以那次收人家红包替人家喝酒，也没觉得累坏了。这次伴郎，可累坏我了，饭没吃上，光屁颠屁颠的跑腿了，还好有我们伴娘潘老师相伴，可以聊天喝茶吃喜糖，不然烦死。现在结婚送的喜糖真好，我拿出喜糖扔掉，把那个装喜糖的不倒翁放房间窗台上了，很像Lucky Star标志里的那只猫，比较有爱。在闹洞房的时候我对婚姻的恐惧感又拔高了一个台阶，这是后话。

最近感觉生活又稍稍宽裕了，单反的计划开始浮出水面。不买好的，D90或者500D足矣。根据数码相机降价的速度，我觉得我攒够钱时0.6w就能配齐，镜头另表。花钱如山倒，攒钱如抽丝，我是深刻意识到了。有了单反，出于采风的需要，那时候估计又要YY车了，造孽啊！

今日购书四本：1，心电图诊断解读  2，on the road （上次买错了，想买的是en版本） 3，伟大的字母-从A到Z，字母表的辉煌历史 4，民主的细节（送人）

赠送一个无语链接 热辣脱衣舞

以上～

是关于电影《风声》的，现在脑海中还有一根绳子，上面鲜血淋漓。我们的主角在上面滑滑梯。就是一个小学生，都能想象那血肉呼啦的下体。这个不是虐待，是性虐待，洋文叫做Sex Maltreat，简称SM。

这样的电影可以给未成年人看么？未成年人玩魔兽世界所带来的伤害能比看一部SM教育片还来得大？不是我想质疑，实在是太荒唐了。尤其是电影里N多虐待狂和受虐狂那漠然的微笑，慢慢伸手，再加上仁义理智信恭谦温俭让的中国贵族作风，难免不让人性中的毁灭爆发开来，对暴力色情充满了期待对人性的恶充满了理解和容忍。从开始到结束，从解放到建国，那群人丝毫没有改变。

电影分级了，权利就被弱化了，一刀切的快感就没有了。你们不敢分级，你们在阴暗的角落瑟瑟发抖，无数眼神扫过你们恍若未见，于是你们愤怒了，你们怕被世界抛弃怕被忘记，所以你们无恶不作，哪怕遗臭万年你们也心满意足，拍拍便便的大腹，带着敦厚老者的笑容沉睡在异乡的怀抱里。

有个网站：http://www.fmylife.com，是fuck my life的简称，也就是我们常说的【卧槽】，每件fuck事后面都跟着它的简称FML
这里摘录了一堆精华。不开心时看看别人是怎么不开心的，你就会开心多了
Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML
今天，我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。FML
Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML
今天，我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ石更了，而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师走了过来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。FML
Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
今天，我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去，我带着狗出去遛了遛。我回来的时候正巧碰见她出来，手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。FML
Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML
今天，一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说，如果我能站着和她做，她就和我做。我残疾坐轮椅。FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML
今天，我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候，他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了Brittany！！”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML
Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML
今天，我老板叫我去他的办公室，要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候，网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过的词条——“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some big news. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face full of food, he broke up with me and said he'd re-enlisted into the marines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i'm 9 weeks pregnant. FML
今天，我让我男朋友来我家吃饭因为我有个大消息要告诉他。他说他也有个大消息要告诉我。在他吃得差不多的时候，他说要和我分手因为他两个星期以后就要去海军陆战队报道了。我准备告诉他我已经怀孕9个星期了。FML
Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML
今天，我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间，所以我等不及要把这个好消息告诉他。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时，我看到他和一个男的在亲热。FML
Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML
今天，我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时，她立马大喊道：“我赢喽！！”她今年才13。FML
Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML
今天，我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说，他和我在一起的时候能硬起来，是因为我长得比较爷们。FML
Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on a business trip last night. FML
今天，我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的、听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的声音。当我问她你在干嘛的时候她说“我在学我妈咪昨晚的声音”。我昨晚出差。FML
Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML
今天，我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前，我跟着她来到了她老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友，家庭和一份很好的工作，就是为了和她一起住。现在我TMD在一个马场铲马粪。FML
Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while having sex. FML
今天，我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候，他们告诉我说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML
Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML
今天，我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠的未来的经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就读了。FML
Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn't a good enough male role model because i'd misbehaved. i told her he had died of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, and that i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually did die. FML
今天，我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告诉她我爸在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁，没人性，不害臊，然后把我留校了。我爸是真的死了。FML
Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML
今天，我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候，我意识到我的父母的姓其实是一样的。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合，结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系。FML
Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
今天，我咬了一下我男友的脖子。我感觉到什么东西流到了我嘴里。结果我发现我是把他脖子上的一个大痘子咬破了。掉进了我嘴里。FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
今天，我第一次和这个男生出去约会。我们去了星巴克，聊着天，很愉快。突然，他把他的手放到我肚子上说：“不久之后，这里就会被我的种子灌满”。FML
Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered "ooh this is so romantic." He blurted out shocked, "Oh.you're awake?!" FML
今天，我打算打个盹。我男朋友给了我一些安眠药但是我最后没决定吃。我迷迷糊糊地醒来的时候发现他在亲我的脖子，解开我的衬衫。我闭着眼睛低语道：“嗯……真是浪漫。”他震惊道：“啊。你醒着呢？！”FML
Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
今天，我做公车去上班，后来旁边坐着个慈祥的老奶奶。公车到一半的时候，她睡着了，脑袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了做个好青年，我在我的车站到之前才轻轻地打算弄醒她。实际上，这一路上她根本没在睡觉。也就是说，我让一个死人在我身上躺了30分钟。FML
Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML
今天，我以为我听到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大钢琴。我十分生气，跑下楼去制止她。结果我发现声音的来源是我父母在我的新钢琴上OOXX。FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
今天，我给我男友发短信说：“Hi”。他的回复是：“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML
Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML
今天，我上交了我的博士论文，我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚，我的室友在微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML
今天，我男友和我决定试试X菊花。当他结束了以后，我转过身来，发现他面带微笑地拿着一个绑在腰带上的橡胶JJ，对我说：“现在来X我。”FML
Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML
今天，为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女友的工作是什么。FML
Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML
今天，我发现因为我的血压太高，我一个月都不能OOXX。我的婚礼是下个星期，然后接下来的两个星期是蜜月。FML
Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML
今天，我去牙医那里洗牙。我抬头看着他，发现有鼻涕往他的嘴唇上滴。我试图慢慢地挪开，他告诉我“别动！”结果他说话的动作导致那大块鼻涕径直掉进了我嘴里。FML
Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I'm going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML
今天，我发现我已经怀孕三个多月了。孩子他爸现在已经和我最好的朋友订婚，在我怀孕的时候他一直和她有一腿。我将会是他们婚礼上怀着新郎的孩子8个月的伴娘。FML
Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML
今天，我和我的祖父母睡在一个屋子里面。他们先是来确认我睡没睡着。为了不被责怪成熬夜，我就假装睡着了。结果，他们是想要OOXX，所以才来确认我是不是睡了的。我亲眼目睹了两个70岁老头老太太在我旁边的床上OOXX的情形。FML
Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML
今天，我在外面吃饭的时候，饭店经理来找我谈话。他说虽然他很尊重我的个人选择，但是他的顾客们对于一个“曾经是男人”的女人用女卫生间感到非常不舒服。也就是说，他们以为我是个变性人。而我是个天生的女人。FML
Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML
今天，我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机，惊恐地发现那里录着我的父母在做爱做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面写着：“百慕大，1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上的。我看到了自己被怀上的情形。FML
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
今天，我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方：一个孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友，想要告诉他说有人找到了属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌木里飘来。FML
Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML
今天，我和一个女孩在我公寓里面打发时间……然后我们都来了感觉，就开始亲热。一步接着一步，然后我知道她要准备给我KJ。我正做好爽的准备，她突然停了下来，抬起头来望着我的眼睛说……“你信耶稣吗？”FML
Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML
今天，我被我老爸突然造访我宿舍的敲门声所吵醒。我把门打开对着在门外的他打招呼，这时候我的室友脱光了衣服拉开了门，亲了我的脸颊，用一种超级搞基的声音说“昨晚你真棒”以后跑了。FML
Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML
今天，我光着身子站在床边，等着我老婆从浴室里面出来。她打开了浴室的门走向我，扭动着她的腰，什么都没穿。当她离我有四英尺的时候，她在地板垫上跌了一跤，而且用了我的JJ来稳住身形。FML
Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML
今天，我躺在床上试图睡着，可是就在此时我听见了我父母在OX。所以我戴上了耳机听音乐。听了好长好长一段时间之后，我想他们应该已经完事了，所以我摘下了耳机。结果我刚好赶上他们结束那一段。FML
Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML
今天，我老板发了条短信把我炒了鱿鱼。我没给手机申请短信包月。也就是说我花了25美分来被炒。FML
Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML
今天，我在高速上开车的时候接到了一个电话，得知了我两个最好朋友因交通事故而死。我歇斯底里地把车快速在道边停下，然后过来一个交警问我怎么了。我解释了一切，结果他给了我一张罚单，说是因为我在开车的同时使用手机。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML
今天，我男友和我决定在他的家里OOXX。我们到了以后，他先去看信箱里面有没有信，然后就发现他订购的Wii的游戏到货了。他把我送回了家因为他更想玩游戏。FML
Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML
今天，我拜托我父母帮我报名加入军队。结果他们问我的是如果我死了，政府能补贴多少钱。FML
Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background: "Baby, who's there?" FML
今天，拿着鲜花和晚餐，打算给我认识了两年的女友一个惊喜。我敲了敲她公寓的们——然后一个英俊的年轻男人打开了门。我以为我敲错了门，道了歉转身准备离开的时候，我听到了我女朋友的声音——“宝贝，门口的是谁？”FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML
今天，我打算给我上大学的男友一个惊喜。我走进了他的宿舍，发现他和另一个女的躺在床上。他看见了我，说了句：“愚人节快乐！”那天是3月19号。FML
Today, my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic cause i've dropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that i wasn't anorexic. They jokingly asked "Do you have cancer or something?" All i could do was stare at my feet. That wasn't exactly how i wanted them to find out. FML
今天，我的朋友怀疑我得了厌食症因为我最近掉了很多秤。我对他们发誓说我没得厌食症。他们开玩笑说：“那你是得了癌症什么的吗？”我除了盯着我的脚不知道以外不知道该如何反应——我并没指望他们以这种形式发现我得了癌症。FML
Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML
今天，我在用手指X女友。她在高潮顶点的时候突然哭了起来。我问她发生了什么事，她回答说：“我——我——我——我想他！！”她是为了她的前男友在哭。我当时还在她体内。FML
Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I'm gay. When I was typing the email address in the "to:" field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: "you filthy faggot". FML
今天，我发了封邮件给我最好的朋友，告诉他我是同志。当我在输入“发送到：”那一栏的时候，系统给我自动更正成了我妈的邮件地址。她只回复了一句：“你这肮脏的蛆虫。”FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML
今天，我男友和我决定做爱做的事。我是CN，他不是。30秒以后，他倒在了我的身上。我以为他在开玩笑，就笑了几声。他没在开玩笑。他干完了。FML
Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML
今天，我卫生棉在我的泳装旁边露出了一点点。我男友以为那是我比基尼多余的线头。于是乎他在大庭广众之下把我的卫生棉拉了出来。FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML
今天，我给我6个月的男友发了条短信说我很想要，而且我躺在床上光着身子。他回了封信说：“你长了手指头，用它们，我去睡觉了亲爱的”。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML
今天，我男友和我第一次OOXX。在等待了非常长的一段时间之后，他终于进来了。这时他停了下来，问道——“好了，现在我该怎么办？”FML
Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML
今天，我接到电话说我不再是6月份婚礼的伴娘了。那婚礼是我妈的第四次婚礼。当她伴娘的将会是我家的狗。FML
Today, I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited, I showed my dad who just laughed and said 'what, it's not like it's Harvard'. No one in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn't even graduate from high school. FML
今天，我打开了邮箱发现我被布朗大学（美国常春藤盟校之一）录取了。我兴奋地告诉了我爸，他笑笑说：“啥啊，又不是哈佛。”我家里人除了我没人上过大学。我爸甚至高中都没毕业。FML
Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML
今天，我听到了我交往3个月的男友和他的朋友聊天，它们不知道我能听到他们。“就是今晚了”，我男友说，“我要告诉她，我爱她！！”我非常兴奋，感觉我也非常爱他。然后他的朋友就说：“太好了。可是，凯拉怎么办？”我就是凯拉。FML
Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML
今天是我生日。我一整天只接到三个电话。第一个是我的未婚夫，说他要把订婚戒指拿回去。第二个是我最好的朋友，向我坦白说过去三个月来她一直和我的未婚夫行为不轨。第三个是我牙医的办公室，给我唱《祝你生日快乐》。FML
Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson. Don't f*** with me." I'm Tyler, Jackson is my co-worker. FML
今天，下班以后，我去停车场准备开车回家。我发现我的车的门被划伤得很厉害，我所有的车胎都被扎了。挡风玻璃上留着一张字条写着：“草NM，杰克逊。别耍老子。”我是泰勒。杰克逊是我同事。FML
Today, I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. When she hung up I asked what had happened. She said they found a sexually transmitted disease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me a slut. I'm 14, and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tells me she was joking. FML
今天，我回到家，我妈在给医生挂电话。我问她怎么了。她说医生在我的血检里面发现了一种性病，然后她说我是个婊子。我14岁而且还是处。大哭了5分钟以后，她告诉我说她只是在开玩笑。FML
Today, my son looked out of the window and said "what's that piece of shit doing on our driveway?" It was the new car we were trying to surprise him with on his 16th birthday. FML
今天，我儿子望向窗户以外问道：“在车库门前停着的那坨垃圾是毛？”那是我打算送给他的，他16岁生日的新车。FML
Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to f*** myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came up to me and told me to f*** myself as well. FML
今天，一个7岁的陌生小女孩突然走向我，跟我说“滚泥马。”我告诉她注意自己的口气，否则我就告诉她父母。她妈妈就在附近，而且她恰好听到了了我们的对话。于是她突然走向了也我跟我说了句“滚泥马”。FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokemon game. FML
今天，我发短信给我的男友，问他到底想不想今天来亲热。他的回复是“不行，白金今天出。”我一开始没听懂，于是我去搜索了一下“白金，2009年3月22号”。结果我发现他是在说最新的口袋妖怪游戏。FML
Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML
今天，我人生的第一次——让一个女人看到了我的JJ。我30了。那女的是我的医生。她打了个鼾来盖住她的大笑声，然后道了道歉。FML
Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they'd remember and we'd have cake at night. I came home and there was cake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during the day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was more important. FML
今天，我18岁了。早餐的时候没人吱一声，但是我想他们会记住，晚上我就有蛋糕吃了。我晚上回家看到了一个蛋糕——但是不是给我的。他们是在庆祝我的妹妹第一次月经来潮。很明显，他们认为一次生理反应比我的18岁生日更重要。FML
Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML
今天，我看到了我家新房子的图纸。我的屋子是旁边那个屋子大小的一半。“那个屋子”是我继母的大衣橱。FML
Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML
今天，我感觉有点病了，呼吸很不舒畅。我决定打个盹，嘴巴大张着因为呼吸很困难。我醒来的时候，发现我男友试图把他的那个放到我嘴里。FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML
今天，我在和我男朋友OOXX。突然，他从我身上跳下来，大喊：“该死，该死！”我很着急，问他怎么了。他大吼：“我忘了设定TiVO了！”（一种电视录像装置）. FML
Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML
今天，我第一次去看我女朋友的父母。我第一次不小心开过头了，但是看到了他们全家在外面等我。我调了个头，然后就听到了砰的一声。他们全家的人看着我压扁了他们的狗。FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML
今天，我在和我交往了9个月的女友OOXX。有人给她打电话，她决定去接。给她打电话的是她的未婚夫——我完全不知道有这号人。她在我还在她的体内的时候说：她订婚了。FML
Today, I found out I won a 20 000 or 30 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML
今天，我发现我赢了份20000 - 30000的奖学金。在屋里和我家人跳上跳下庆祝了半个小时以后，我们才意识到这信是寄给另一个和我们姓一样的人的。我们和她联系上以后，她说这事真是奇怪，因为她收到的是我的拒信。FML
Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML
今天，我想拿个套套因为我的男友和我打算第一次OX。当我打开抽屉时，我看到每个套套都被一个耶稣形象的别针扎破了。盒子上面有个字条：“爱你的妈妈。”FML
Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML
今天，我老爹问我借电动剃须刀因为他想要“给我妈一个惊喜”。我非常想看他把他留了几乎一辈子的大胡子剃掉，于是我很高兴地答应了他。半个小时以后，他从洗手间出来了。胡子还是好好的。FML
Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML
今天，我父母因为我“说了句脏话”而惩罚我用肥皂洗嘴。我都快19了。我说了句“靠”。FML
Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML
今天，我坐在公车上去联谊会。我坐在公车第5排，感觉到有雨点从窗外飘进来。然后我意识到那不是雨点，而是第1排有个女的吐了，她吐到窗外的东西从我的窗户飞了进来。FML
Today, my parents won't stop bragging about how my sister is dating the captain of her high school football team. I just got accepted to law school. FML
今天，我父母不停地吹嘘说我妹妹正在和学校美式足球队队长约会。我刚刚被法学院录取。FML
Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML
今天，我们要从学校拿毕业纪念册。我翻到了我的简历那一页，发现他们把我的名拼错了。我的名是James（詹姆斯）。他们拼成了Lames（烂透的）。FML
Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML
今天，我第一次和我的新男友一起淋浴。昨天晚上是我们一起度过的第一晚。我在洗头的时候，我向下看去，注意到了有“黄水”。也就是说，我的脚一开始感觉到的温暖的水不是从喷头里出来的。FML
Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML
今天，我被逮捕了，因为我6岁的儿子打电话叫警察，说我把我的妻子打得哭了。我和我老婆当时在OOXX。FML
Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML
今天，我提前下班回家，买了辆新的山地车来给他个生日惊喜。为了让他吃一惊，我蹑手蹑脚地来到了他的房门前。我一开门就听到他对他压在身下的女孩说：“哦，天哪，我要S了。”他才刚14。FML
Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn't a test listed. FML
今天，我去医院做运动体检。我的护士肥的要死而且非常难看。她说她会检查所有单子上写的部分。她做了一切她能做的，甚至包括检查我的JJ部分。体检结束以后，我看了看那张单子。里面没有生育器官检查。FML
Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my p*** stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus 软妹子 d everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML
今天，我打开电脑查看我的AV收藏。但是，文件夹除了“我的最爱”文档以外全都空了。我以为是病毒删了所有的东西，但是很庆幸“我的最爱”文档没被删。我打开了以后，看到里面是一个我父母的录像教育我说“SY是不对滴”。FML
Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML
今天，我看到了一对女同性恋在购物中心里逛。其中一个在繁忙的过道里走向我，然后开始大喊盯着她们是怎么怎么地粗鲁，还有不管性取向如何所有的人都应该是平等的。我盯着她们的原因是我也是搞百合的，而且我觉得她们很靓。FML
Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML
今天，大概晚上十点多我在道上开车。我前面车里的乘客向窗外扔了什么东西。拿东西径直打在了我的挡风玻璃上。那是个套套。用过的套套。而且用完没系。JY在你开快车的时候散开得很快。FML
Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML
今天，我搭我新男友的车。他有“很重要的事”要告诉我。然后他多愁善感地向我讲述了他如何对SY上瘾。细节具体生动。行程是两个小时。FML
Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML
今天，我才发现我的新学生宿舍的墙，是多么的薄。它们如此之薄，以至于我能听到我隔壁那个恶心的哥们一边一遍又一遍地念叨着我的名字，一边大力SY的声音。FML
Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML
今天，我在和我的小弟弟打篮球。在开玩笑般地阻挡了他一下之后，他转过来跟我说“你TM的婊子。”他才6岁。我问他他是在哪里听到这个词的，他回答说：“爹地在你不在的时候这样叫你。”FML
Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML
今天，我裸身躺在床上，被蒙上了眼罩。我告诉我的男友他把我怎样都行。30分钟以后，我下了床发现他在电脑室打魔兽。他队友需要他。FML
Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML
今天，我在学校表演戏剧。在我的独角戏闪亮登场之前，我注意到了有几个女孩在后台换衣服——于是我小弟弟high了。那场戏是《耶稣基督超级巨星》，我就是演耶稣的。我身上只穿几块布。于是乎，所有观众都看到了：耶稣在被钉上十字架的时候可耻地硬了。FML
Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML
今天我在家睡觉因为我生病了。离我最近的厕所是在我父母的房间。我有点想吐所以我就起来了，我跑到我父母房间的厕所里，然后看到他们在OOXX。大吃一惊，吐了他们一床……
Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML
今天我在和一个刚认识的女孩OOXX，大约5分钟之后，她说她想上厕所，所以我们被迫停止。大概等了10分钟，我决定进去看看她怎么样了。进去一看，窗户是开着的，她逃走了。卧槽= =
Today, as I was bagging groceries at Dominicks, I looked down to see a 6 year old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own god damned business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML
今天我在多米尼克杂货店帮顾客装袋，向下一看，我擦，一个6岁小孩在我鞋上撒尿。我告诉他妈应该带她的小孩去厕所小便，我唯一得到的回应是：管好你自己的吊事。接着我就以“和顾客发生纠纷”被开除。卧槽！
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML
今天，当一个正妹进电梯的时候电梯里只有我一个，当时她正在打电话。她和她朋友说：“我得挂了，电梯里有个帅哥~~”在我有任何反应之前她说：“对不起，我撒谎了，我只是真的很想把那个电话结束”卧槽= =！！
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML
今天，我在和我男友OOXX，他很清楚我喜欢他在我脖子上喘气、呼吸的感觉。当我快要丢的时候他把他的嘴唇放在离我脖子/耳朵1毫米的地方，说：“我喜欢的你那闻起来像我祖母房子的味道~~”，卧槽！
Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off of the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and an bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $24,000 in bills. Really. FML
今天我去快餐店点了一份一元餐想要省钱。五个小时之后我因为食物中毒被送到医院。在一天的禁食、排泄、冒顶、考试、挂了一堆水之后，我那$1的汉堡花费了我$24000，真的！！卧槽……
Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit looked into my eyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister. The sister he killed after he raped her. FML
今天，一个和我一起工作的精极度紧张患者在一个被锁的房间里看着我的眼睛、深情的说：你让我想起了我的妹妹。（那个被他被他先X后杀的妹妹）。卧槽！！
Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new boyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car and a trip to Las Vegas. FML
今天我打电话给我的未婚妻并发现她已经有了9个月身孕。我在伊拉克带了将近6个月……我还发现她和她的新男友把我那30000美金的入伍抚恤金花的差不多了——买了辆新车、去拉斯维加斯度假。卧槽！
Today, there are two restaurants gang fights, and other unrelated people are gone, only I did not move, watching them smile.
I feel very cool.
Suddenly,FML
今天,餐馆有两伙人打架，其他无关的人都跑掉了，只有我没有动，微笑的看着他们。
我觉得自己非常酷。
突然有一个人指着我说：打他们老大！我刚要说我不是，一个酒瓶子就把我头打开了花。然后几个人过来揣我。另一伙看他们在打不认识的人竟然也不帮忙。
我快被打半死时警C来了，还把我当成主犯拉回去审讯。刚才才被家长领回家。
我现在悟出了一个非常深刻的道理，就是：没实力，千万别装B!
Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML
今天，我第一次和自己真正喜欢的人OOXX。我把我的上衣的乳支撑器脱掉，他说：“我擦，这太令人失望了。”擦
Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML
应该是
今天，我女友甩了我跟别人了。就在一个小时前，我才从她老爹那里得到求婚许可。FML
Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they drank too much and on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML
今天我和俩我感兴趣的男生泡吧。第一个是我这个学期一直想约的人，第二个是和我吃过一次饭、看起来还不错的男生。我被指定为司机，他们喝的是在是太多了，然后他们俩就在后座上勾搭上了……汗
Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FM
今天一个流浪汉向我要硬币我没给他，告诉他我身上没有，他非常生气的向我吼道：没钱谁TM来这个城市啊？ 我回答 “很明显，你就是” 这个答案显然不对，他跟在我身后一直尖叫 FML
Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML
今天我和老妈感慨事实上和我发生过关系的男的都不超过2个月，她问我为什么，我回答：因为我偏激，强势，保守，还有顽固。为了鼓励我，她说 至少你还是诚实的 FML
Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML
今天我在一个公园里散步，看到一群孩子在踢球， 其中一个把球踢向了我，很幸运的是我把球接到了。 然后我把球丢下踢回去喊到：“接好了” 球打到了一颗书上弹回来，命中我的脸 FML
Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML
今天我在洗澡的时候，男朋友忽然跳了进来，我们有一点点小兴奋地时候 老妈的手穿过了帘子 把套套丢在了浴池里，说：注意安全啊孩子们 FML
Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my 软妹子s. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the 软妹子 s are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML
今天我在厨房里安装好了摄像头想看看谁偷了我的饼干， 结果我看到了老妈和她的男朋友，好消息是饼干很安全，坏消息是 我看了一些我这辈子都不想看到的事 FML
Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML
今天和我相处2年的女朋友离开了我和另一个男人好了， 然后我在电梯里面卡了3小时，和他们2个一起 FML
Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML
今天，卡尔加里轻轨车厢挤满了人；我旁边的一个流浪汉被挤得死死地顶着我。他专注地盯着我看，上车两分钟以后他就硬了=_=——于是乎车厢每次颠簸和转弯的时候，那东西都在摩擦着我。FML
Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend's and my parents suddenly ask if I'm gay. I reply that no, I'm bisexual. My mom then asks if I've ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says 'I told you so. You owe me $20'. My parents bet on my sexuality. FML
今天，我正准备出门去朋友家，我父母突然问我是不是搞基的。我回答不是，澄清说我是双性恋。我妈又问我曾经是否和一个同性别的人亲热过，我回答是。然后她就跟我爸说：“看，我跟你说过了吧。你欠我20块。”我父母拿我的性取向打赌。FML
Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML
今天，我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在卫生间换衣服的时候把他抓了个正着。我问他他在干嘛，他回答说：“雷(Ray)在你去卫生间的时候就这么做，我只是在学他罢了。”雷是我的新继父。FML
Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML
今天，我和一个我很喜欢的女孩出门去玩，然后我们晚上一起回到了我家。我们之间十分来电，于是最后OOXX了……男上女下。我非常之投入，可是在半途的时候她突然举起手腕说：“啊，看看都几点了。我得回家了。”她当时根本没戴表。FML
Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML
今天，我上班要迟到了，所以我没去走那十分钟的路程而是打了辆出租车。这司机抓住这一大好时机，向我讲述了他第一次和男人OOXX的故事。具体而又生动。FML
Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML
今天，我得从我的办公室走到我停车的地方，距离大概有三个街区远。在我准备转过最后一个街角时，一辆车超速驶来，我不得不赶紧跳到一边。我抬头的时候发现了——那车是我的。FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I'd get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the kitchen table!" It was her mom who'd just got back from work. FML
今天，我女友决定把我扒光并把我眼睛蒙上，然后告诉我说如果我抓住她就奖励我。于是我就蒙着眼睛，啥也没穿地四处瞎跑一直到我抓住了她。我大喊：“在厨房桌子上把我的奖励给我吧！”MLGB的我抓住的是她刚下班的妈妈。FML
Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML
今天，我妈的遗嘱被宣告给了全家人。我在几年前帮助我妈写的；我会得到一笔资金来付助学贷款。她自己把遗嘱给改了，注明说我啥也得不到因为我搞基。遗嘱执行人把这段大声朗读了出来。本来只有我妈一个人知道的。FML
Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML
今天，我发现就算你的男友向你求婚，也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。FML
Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML
今天，我妈跟我说各种JJ有不同的大小，真是有趣。她也跟我说因为她一直在做荷尔蒙疗法，她能够体验的高潮比以往多多了。我们堵车堵了3个小时。当我打开收音机的时候，她把收音机关了，接着讲。FML
Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML
今天，是我的男友第一次来我家过夜。他硬了，我就在他的耳边耳语把他叫醒：“如果你现在让我做什么都行，你想要我做什么呢？”他的回答，“你能给我碗薄荷巧克力屑冰淇淋吗？”他想冰淇淋想到硬。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML
今天，我男友和我在他的家里OOXX。大概30分钟后，他的妈妈回家了，敲他的房门问道：“你在干啥？”想着也许我有偷偷溜出去的可能，我蹑手蹑脚地穿起了衣服。结果这时我的男友就回答：“佐伊。我在干佐伊。”FML
Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML
今天，一张“在马里兰醉酒驾驶”的200美金的罚单被寄给了我。我从来都没因醉酒驾驶而被抓而且我压根就没去过马里兰。FML
Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML
今天，我醒来以后发现我的狗丢了。我花了将近一个小时去找它，直到我那脑子有点问题的前女友发了张它的照片给我。她把它绑架了。开车到那里以后，她用油漆弹朝我的车开枪。现在我不仅没狗，还多了辆五彩斑斓的车。FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML
今天，我问了交往了将近十个月的男友，他最希望和哪五个女人OOXX。我排第三。我妈排第二。FML
Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML
今天，我的猫和我一起在浴室里。我脱了衣服准备冲个澡。猫在我脱光了衣服以后看了看我，然后就在小毯上吐得到处都是。FML

现在的牛博是垃圾。

作为一个越来越不装B的五讲四美三热爱的三好青年，我发觉电脑里没有毛片是一件很没有范儿的事情。要哪天朋友来我家，打开我电脑看了半天惊叹：天哪天哪，你的电脑里居然没有毛片，我肯定会害臊的。既然如此，我想，先下部Tokyo Hot吧。于是我打开电脑，新建了一个文件夹，准备放文件夹，名字我早想好了，就叫做“毛选”。

首先找地址，我想盗链之王迅雷是首选，先找到毛片的迅雷地址，打开后一看资源，200+！我立刻会心的笑了，毛片是生命力的象征。尽管互联网被和谐反低俗了这么多年，但是它还是那么坚挺。我首先搜Asami Ogawa，年纪和我差不多，比较能够接受。接着搜索Rion Hutsumi和Seri Mikami，年纪虽然小了点但是很清纯，恩，我没有侮辱清纯这个词的意思。最后把当年恋恋不忘的Rina Koizumi再载几部下来。完了之后我就再也不怕了，没有几部压箱毛片，怎么能在众爷们儿面前抬起头来。

然后我又用格式转换软件将这么片转成PSP格式传输进PSP，给我的psp也赋予了强大的能力。做完这些，我上当当网去挑书了。最近花了好多钱，死命的想省钱。所以在当当看到书都只放暂存架。以下是暂存架的书籍，我在想，我什么时候才有零花钱买呢？

这就是“狗屎”——摩登时代生活百...

￥29.80

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￥29.80

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中国新文化运动概观

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￥36.00

￥29.20 (81折)

语言的文化史：近代早期欧洲的语言...

￥28.00

￥23.40 (84折)

伟大的字母—从A到Z，字母表的辉煌...

￥23.00

￥18.60 (81折)

脏话文化史

￥19.00

￥14.60 (77折)

￥12.00

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现代化的本质

￥30.00

￥17.70 (59折)

冷记忆5

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冷记忆4

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断片集:冷记忆3

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冷记忆2

￥14.00

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冷记忆I

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民主的细节：美国当代政治观察随笔

￥25.00

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￥188.00

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昨天表弟带我刷监狱，困得不行，心想这还是游戏么～～

话说，爬山墙去看风景，一个google reader足矣，现在我又担心起来，会不会reader都被咔嚓掉，反正已经有blogspot、youtube的先例了。

其实这样是不对的。

在美国太空总署第一次派太空人上太空时，他们很快发现圆珠笔无法在零重力的情况下工作。为了解决这个问题，美国太空总署花了10年时间和120亿美元研发了一种可以在零重力，倒置，水下，和几乎一切表面包括玻璃下书写，温度范围从0摄氏度到300摄氏度的钢笔。

而俄国人用铅笔。

还有一个类似的笑话:

国内最大日化公司引进了一条国外肥皂生产线。这条生产线能将肥皂从原材料的加入直到包装装箱自动完成。 但是，意外发生了。销售部门反映有的肥皂盒是空的。于是，这家公司立刻停止了生产线，并与生产线制造商取得联系。得知这种情况在设计上是无法避免的。 经理要求工程师们解决这个问题。于是成立一个以几名博士为核心、十几名研究生为骨干的团队。知识类型涉及光学、图像识别、自动化控制、机械设计等等门类。 在耗费数十万后,工程师们在生产线上一套X光机和高分辨率监视器,当机器对X光图像进行识别后，一条机械臂会自动将空盒从生产线上拿走。 

另外一家私人企业司也遇到了同样的情况，老板对管理生产线的小工说：你一定要解决这个问题。于是这个小工找来一台电风扇，摆在生产线旁,另一端放上一个箩筐。装肥皂的盒子逐一在风扇前通过,只要有空盒子便会被吹离生产线，掉在箩筐里。 问题解决之。

人生就像一个茶几，虽然不大，但是充满了杯具.......

1、种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
2、我心眼儿有些小，但是不缺；我脾气很好，但不是没有！
3、人和猪的区别就是：猪一直是猪，而人有时却不是人！
4、原来只要是分开了的人，不论原来多么熟悉，也会慢慢变得疏远。
5、去披萨店买披萨！服务员问我是要切成8块还是12块？我想了想说：还是8块吧！12块吃不完！
6、男人忽悠女人，叫调戏；女人忽悠男人，叫勾引；男女相互忽悠，叫爱情。
7、政府想着怎么合理征税，老板想着怎么合理避税，而我想着怎么合理多睡！
8、时间是用来流浪的，身躯是用来相爱的，生命是用来遗忘的，而灵魂，是用来歌唱的。
9、爱情就象鬼，相信的人多，见到的人少
10、永远有多远？你小子就给我滚多远！
11、碰到一个写手个性签名：也许似乎大概是，然而未必不见得。碰到一个GG个性签名：给我一个姑娘，我可以创造一个民族。
12、自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
13、我想早恋，但是已经晚了……
14、天哪！我的衣服又瘦了。
15、80后的重要任务是制造08后。
16、人家有的是背景，而我有的只是背影~~。
17、是金子总要发光的，但当满地都是金子的时候，我自己也不知道自己是哪颗了。
18、提醒大家要学会修自己的笔记本，这是很重要的！从前有个人，他不会修自己的笔记本......后来的事情大家都知道了。
19、我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
20、不是故事的结局不够好，而是我们对故事的要求过多！
21、鲜花往往不属于赏花的人，而属于牛粪。
22、谎言与誓言的区别在于：一个是听的人当真了，一个是说的人当真了。
23、单身并不难，难的是应付那些千方百计想让你结束单身的人。
24、有时候，不是对方不在乎你，而是你把对方看的太重。
25、就算是believe，中间也藏着一个lie。
26、真正的好朋友，并不是在一起就有聊不完的话题，而是在一起，就算不说话，也不会觉得尴尬。
27、没有100分的另一半，只有50分的两个人！
28、通常愿意留下来跟你争吵的人，才是真正爱你的人！
29、人生没有彩排，每天都是直播；不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
30、能用钱解决的问题都不是问题，可问题是我是穷人。
31、唯女人与英雄难过也，唯老婆与工作难找也。
32、见到我以后你会突然发现——啊，原来帅也可以这样具体呀！
33、问一同事：“你买了中石油吗？”同事说：“呸！你才买了中石油呢。你们全家都买了中石油，还买了中石化！”
34、中午在食堂叫了两个菜。吃第一个我震撼了“世界上还有比这更难吃的菜吗？”吃第二个我哭了“还真有啊”。
35、老鼠一发威，大家都是病猫。
36、踏遍青楼人未老，请用汇仁肾宝。
37、听君一席话，省我十本书！
38、0岁出场亮相，10岁天天向上。20岁远大理想，30岁发奋图强。40岁基本定向，50岁处处吃香。60岁打打麻将，70岁处处闲逛。80岁拉拉家常，90岁挂在墙上！
39、脱了衣服我是禽兽，穿上衣服我是衣冠禽兽！
40、“亲爱的，我…我怀孕了…三个月了，不过你放心，不是你的，不用你负责……”
41、我们产生一点小分歧：她希望我把粪土变黄金，我希望她视黄金如粪土。
42、读10年语文，不如聊半年QQ。
43、早晨懒床，遂从口袋里掏出6枚硬币：如果抛出去六个都是正面，我就去上课！思躇良久，还是算了，别冒这个险了……
44、我花8万买了个西周陶罐，昨儿到《鉴宝》栏目进行鉴定，专家严肃地说：“这哪是西周的？这是上周的！”
45、我能容忍身材是假的，脸是假的，胸是假的，臀是假的！！！但就是不容忍钱是的！！！！
46、士为知己者装死，女为悦己者整容。
47、千万别等到人人都说你丑时才发现自己真的丑。
48、征婚启事：要求如下，A活的，B女的。
49、给点阳光我就腐烂。
50、要适当吃一点，才有力气减肥。
51、摇啊摇，摇到奈何桥。
52、问：你喜欢我哪一点？答：我喜欢你离我远一点！
53、你快回来，我一人忽悠不来！
54、生活就像宋祖德的嘴，你永远都不知道下一个倒霉的会是谁~~~
55、跌倒了，爬起来再哭~~~
56、世界上难以自拔的，除了牙齿，还有爱情。
57、一恐龙路过西安交大时上了趟厕所，出来后她呜咽道：“555，这辈子终于不愁嫁不出去了……”
58、生，容易。活，容易。生活，不容易。
59、问君能有几多愁，恰似一群太监上青楼……
60、年轻的时候，我们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸；年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
61、出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
62、拍脑袋决策，拍胸脯保证，拍屁股走人。
63、我们走得太快，灵魂都跟不上了……
64、不要和地球人一般见识~~~
65、出来混，老婆迟早是要换的！
66、小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我……
67、我就算是一只癞蛤蟆，我也决不娶母癞蛤蟆。
68、生前何必久睡，死后自会长眠……
69、不想当厨子的裁缝，不是好司机。
70、你让我滚，我滚了。你让我回来，对不起，滚远了
71、完了，你也不理我了，我成狗不理了~~！
72、早上赶公共汽车，到站台的时候，汽车已经启动了。于是我只好边追边喊：“师傅，等等我！师傅，等等我呀！” 这时一乘客从车窗探出头来冲我说了一句：“悟空你就别追了。...
73、刚毕业后会有期；毕业一年后会有妻；后来后悔有妻；再后来会有后妻；最后悔有后妻
74、老子不打你，你不知道我文武双全。
75、我那么喜欢你，你喜欢我一下会死啊。
76、心里有座坟，葬着未亡人
77、我允许你走进我的世界,但不许你在我的世界里走来走去..
78、要么忍，要么残忍
79、虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。
80、西游记告诉我们：凡是有后台的妖怪都被接走了，凡是没后台的都被一棒子打死了
81、我多想一个不小心就和你白头偕老
82、旋转木马是这世上最残酷的游戏，彼此追逐，却永远隔着可悲的距离
83、理想很丰满，现实却很骨感
84、难免埋怨时间的手，把相爱写成相爱过
85、等待你的关心，等到我关上了心
86、我爱你时，你说什么就是什么。 我不爱你时，你说你是什么。
87、爱.直至成伤
88、我又不是人民币，怎么能让人人都喜欢我？
89、如果你注定不能给予我期待的回应.那么就保持在安全距离之外吧
90、我们的目标:向钱看,向厚赚
91、如果心情不好， 就去超市捏捏方便面 （超对！！！！！！！！！！！！！！）
92、你给我滚，马不停蹄的滚……
93、最是夜深人静时，思念才变得如此放肆
94、请不要把我对你的容忍 当场你不要脸的资本
95、诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验
96、回忆是一座桥，却是通往寂寞的牢
97、老娘法眼一开就知道你是个妖孽了
98、我是你转身就忘的路人甲，凭什么陪你蹉跎年华到天涯？
99、幸福是个比较级,要有东西垫底才感觉得到
100、爱情像鬼，相信的人多，遇见的人少
101、纯，属虚构，乱，是佳人。
102、离开后,别说祝我幸福,你有什么资格祝我幸福。
103、有些事，我们明知道是错的，也要去坚持，因为不甘心；有些人，我们明知道是爱的，也要去放弃，因为没结局；有时候，我们明知道没路了，却还在前行，因为习惯了。
104、对自己好点，因为一辈子不长；对身边的人好点，因为下辈子不一定能够遇见！
105、你永远也看不到我最寂寞时候的样子，因为只有你不在我身边的时候，我才最寂寞。
106、都说从此天涯陌路～什么是天涯？转身，背向你，此刻已是天涯……
107、老板，先来两斤真爱，拿回去喂狗！

不过我喜欢的还是宋石男的那句，“你Y不矫情能死啊”。